The story you are about to read is true.

Around the time we signed, sealed, and delivered the Lameboy Advance strip, we mentioned a site called Portable Monopoly. A place to discuss the relative satisfaction of consumers with Nintendo's (in many respects) excellent machine, it also focused on devising a true, elegant, and replicable solution to the problems of glare and visibility. Taking their most recent updates into account, they have engineered a kit - soon available for thirty-five dollars U.S. - that will allow GBA owners to perfect their handhelds. Today's comic fast-forwards to a dark future, where people who couldn't be trusted to transform Optimus Prime from a semi into a robot are suddenly skewering their palms on soldering irons. As for our representation of the Big N: truth be told, though we probably aren't supposed to say, we've been to Nintendo, and it's not all that bad. Everyone we met was really nice, except for the (like) twenty guys that came in to gangbang us at Super Smash Brothers. We hate those guys. But everybody else was fine. I don't know if you downloaded that Star Trek: Bridge Commander demo or not. It's hard to know what to make of it, and I've played through it a couple times. It's exactly what you think it is. I mean, you're the Captain of this massive thing, and you look all around and talk to people. There were zero surprises for me in the demo, none at all, which begs the question: is it because there's nothing here, or because they did absolutely everything right? It's like I imagined the way the interface would work, and it just does that. I already knew how. Obviously, not everybody wants to sit in a chair, even if it's a Space chair, and there are plenty of keys to let you manage everything manually, but I have a feeling that the more naval pace of the combat might not appeal to those fond of the experiences Totally Games is widely known for. I wish I had more than what's available in the demo to go on, as it's made me very curious.

This Valentine's Day, we wanted to tell a few special people in the gaming industry how we really feel. For the record, that is indeed my raw scrawl present in the amorous missive to 2015 - they're practically Goddamn hieroglyphics, seriously, and I'd like to thank the advent of Personal Computers for my atrophied penmanship. I've said all I'm going to say about Medal - you hope - but having had the chance to while away a Saturday with Gabe playing a game where you run a Golf Course, for Chrissakes, I found myself surprised at how much fun I was having. A good game is simply a good game, a concept we've already discussed - but allow me to be surprised at how good.

I have tried on countless occasions over the past few days to talk to Tycho about his decision to accept Canada in trade for his book. I have explained to him that this person who e-mailed him probably does not have the authority to give Canada away. I have also tried to tell him that even if this person did have that kind of authority Canada is not such a hot deal. I mean he had people offering him Virtual boys and Classic arcade machines and he chooses a frozen wasteland where the people talk funny and smell like bacon. I’m not saying he’s an idiot I’m just saying that he is the stupidest person that has ever lived, or will ever live in the history of the entire universe.

Today’s comic strip makes heavy use of Fonts from Blambot fonts. I don’t give nearly as much credit to these guys as I should. Many of the bad ass fonts you see at Penny Arcade come from this very talented group of guys.

Also as many of you know I tend to hang out in the forum a lot. I have been talking for a long time about new forum software. Well it is finally happening. Our Web mistress extraordinaire Emma, is hard at work on our new forum right this minute. You will now be required to register in order to post on the forum, but I think this will cut down a lot on trolls and nonsense posts. We also plan to have a special forum accessible only to members of Club PA. So that should be fun.

Confidential to Tycho- You’re a cockjockey and I am sick of your cockjockery.

-Gabe out

Royal Cartographer Braum Meakes has finalized this new map of our proud nation, I'd appreciate it if you'd just toss the out of date ones.

I'm fitting to drop the mad links, yo. And I'm fairly sure none of these links goes to anything terrifying.

I can't tell you how many people ask me - on a daily basis - what exactly the "Fruit Fucker" featured in this strip does. The device is fairly straightforward, one might say, in its operation. I do hope we have resolved your curiosity with regards to this marvelous device, in addition to revealing how the Lithtech Engine came to be the black foundation of so much human misery. Well, don't mention it. We're just revealers, that's all. We love to reveal.